I’m not sure what the fundamentalist Christian version of a Fatwa is. Perhaps a Thinwa. Or an AverageSizedwa. Or a MorbidlyObesewa. For all I know, they may have gone simply for the alliterative Wawa, to capitalise on the low concentration span of the modern audience. Whatever it is, I am hoping I don’t end up with one, by the end of this post. The last thing I want is to be “stoned” to death by stale cake, cucumber sandwiches and tepid tea. But the hope is that my sage reflections will demonstrate a sincere sympathy for The Messiah, who must be faced with a real conundrum as to how to present Himself to modern audiences in the technological age, if He is ever to make His prophesised return.
Things aren’t what they were. In the olden days, when The Messiah first made his debut on the worldly stage, it was fairly easy to impress the populus. In the pre-Freud era, it was straightforward enough to send in a few angels as pathfinders, to clear the way in readiness. The visitation by an angel in a dream was understood by the awed recipient to be just that. The visitation of an angel in a dream. This opening shot is likely to be ineffective in a society that will interpret the angel’s visitation as a coded message from the dreamer’s unconscious. Whereas the literal message from the angel is likely to be something along the lines of “Oh prepare ye, for a marvel is soon to befall; the son of god will soon walk among you and will lead you through his light and wisdom to The Promised Land”; the interpretation will be far off the mark, seeing the angel’s femininity and glowing wings as a sure sign of repressed homosexuality desperate to find freedom. It will be a wasted effort on the part of the angel in question and on the part of The Holy Trinity, who we can surmise to have organised both the message and the logistics of the operation in minute detail.
Beyond this, things will become no less tricky. During His first worldy visitation, Team Messiah organised genocide on a large scale to create a social vaccuum in to which He could manoeuvre himself, to vivid effect. Herod’s killing of all male children under the age of 1 year has largely been put down to the king’s own megolamania. However, one can suspect that he was merely the instrument of divine choreography. By ensuring that all children of that age were killed – except for The Messiah himself – The Messiah would have been the only male to represent His immediate generation. Fantastic. On an age-by-age basis, the ratio of men to women would have given our saviour the advantage on the field of love. He would also have enjoyed smaller class sizes at school and would have received a higher-quality education than men born just a year apart, either way (unleash the thinwa). Such social engineering would be difficult to effect in today’s society, with Human Rights, The Geneva Convention and media-led cultural liberalisation making it unacceptable for babies to be slaughtered on a whim.
And then there are the miracles. In an age of sophisticated visual special effects, no one is going to be overly impressed to see a man walk on water. Rather than see this as evidence of the subject’s genealogical alignment to The Creator, people are more likely to find themselves wondering how He created the illusion. Was it through CGI, mirrors or simple camera trickery? And as for feeding the five thousand, turning water in to wine, lasting in the wilderness for 40 days and nights, crucifixion and re-animation….well. Modern illusionists of David Blaine’s calibre are able to replicate any such “miracle” under the most stringent of controls. Such miracles are likely to be seen as clever tricks, and nothing more. Furthermore, with reference to The Messiah’s penchant for healing the sick, we understand the psychology behind faith healing much better these days. The Messiah is going to have to go a long way to prove that His healing capabilities are divine, rather than psychologically based.
But there were other aspects of His initial sojourn on our sin-infested planet that He is going to find hard to capitalise on, in the modern age. Take his “Christian” attitude. His charity. His acts of forgiveness. His moral compass. Back in the days of the Roman Empire, we can assume that The Christ’s liberal attitude was fairly unusual. In a society hell-bent on violence, orgies and statues depicting men with small willies, The Messiah’s message of loving thy neighbour stood out like a flasher in a nudist camp (just to qualify that simile, the flasher will, ironically, be the only one in the nudist camp to have himself covered up. A flasher without his mac is but another nudist). Peace, love and charity were anathema to the pervading blood-thirsty hedonistic culture.
These days, He could hardly hope to stand out. In the neo-Socialist age of 21st Century Western civilisation, a charitable, liberal attitude is mandatory. You can’t go around feeding people to lions these days. You can’t stone prostitutes and adulterers to death. It just isn’t the done thing. Indeed, the world has become more Christian that it realises and the continuing drive for absolute equality across society will inevitably scupper the holier-than-thou efforts of The New Messiah. He can’t hope to compete. Princess Diana was seen to hug victims of AIDS. Prostitutes and the homeless are targeted by vast charities, bent on their rehabilitation. Adulterers are guided towards RELATE, where they can address their issues and mend their marriage. Alcoholics and drug users are given full understanding and offered all kinds of help to kick their dreadful addiction. Thieves…murderers…con-artists…liars….cheats….the moral weakness of mankind is well-known and rarely judged, these days. The New Messiah may well try to fight the cause of some vulnerable soul; but His voice will be lost among the din of widespread cultural sympathy. In times past, a corner shop was the hub of a community. The corporate supermarket chains crushed these noble enterprises. The New Messiah will be a corner shop of moral principle, hidden beneath the shadow of a vast Charity Supermarket. This supermarket will stock baked beans of love; tinned peas of forgiveness; and the soup of understanding. The New Messiah’s corner shop will have on display, a few dog-eared copies of yesterday’s Daily Mirror.
Modernity's Social Liberalism - The Beans of Love, Peas of Forgiveness and Soup of Understanding
And then we have to consider the media culture of the modern age. Our media institutions are irreverant, unforgiving, endlessly questioning and cynical. How could The New Messiah hope to survive the onslaught of questioning and incredulity that would avalanche him at the very whisper of His divine claim? The tabloid press would have a field day, mocking his misguided self belief. “Barmy Jesus Tries To Sack The Pope” – “Crazy Christ Upturns Roulette Table in London Casino” – “The New Messiah Buys His Pants From Primark” – “Jesus Found Wandering in The Wilderness (Wasteland Area Behind Sainsburys Needs To Be Addressed, Says Council)“…you can just imagine it. Depending on the coverage He managed to receive for his claims, the broadsheets would either use Him to analyse the phenomena of community care in a celebrity culture, or would accuse Him of trying to sow religious discourse across the globe. Whichever way, He would not have an easy ride.
It isn’t hard to imagine The New Messiah on Newsnight. He has already taken a grilling that day, from John Humphries and Eddie Mare – not to mention the roasting He took from listeners to The Jeremy Vine Show (…why does he claim to be The New Messiah? I’ll tell you why – if he claimed to be the new Allah, he’d be dragged through the coals. It’s political correctness gone mad!)** Now the gloves are off and He is going in the ring with Paxman himself. I can hear Paxman’s snearing tones: “So let me get this straight. You think you’re the new Messiah? You think you can turn water in to wine? Go on then. There’s a glass of water. Turn it in to a large Pinot Grigio for me. You can’t, can you? You can’t turn water in to wine. Anymore than you can heal the sick, walk on water or feed five thousand people with a basket of bread and a single fish. Some people would say you are a bit of a fraud. What do you have to say for yourself…?”
But it doesn’t end there. The democratisation of society has mean that ideological beliefs are no longer followed en masse. The notion of a generic belief system is passe, and in a world of widespread communications and fast-moving social networking technology, people tend to congregate around interests and sensibilties, rather than fundamental ideologies. Indeed, ideology itself now springs from the commonality of interests. The New Messiah will not be able to formulate a winning ideology, or religious doctrine, and act as a magnet for devoted followers, sweeping His influence across the world with irresistable force. It just won’t happen these days. People are organised like cults, around so many sundry issues and activities – from politics and religion, to pop music, to film and entertainment, celebrities, food, leisure, sport, social issues….the list is endless. The best that The New Messiah can hope for is to find a small niche in the landcape of social interests, and score a few followers from that vantage point. For example, He might decide to promote himself as the new Mary Whitehouse, and build support on that foundation. Were He keen to be less controversial, He could plump for more of a Barbara Woodhouse angle, and position Himself as ultimate authority in domestic pet training. It would be a modest success in comparison to His last grand project – but He can expect no more. It’s a new world. A whole new landscape.
The New Messiah, if He ever is to return, can only expect only a fraction of the support that he enjoyed when pyschology had not usurped superstition as the concensus parameter for understanding dreams; high grade special effects had not desensitised the viewing public; professional illusionists had not made such impressive leaps forward in the scale and imaginative limits of their art; the press was less investigative; and society was more homogenous.
And so, you see, my feelings are nothing but sympathetic. I try to imagine the Holy Trinity deliberating over their options. How are we going to effect His return, successfully? How are we going to make Him stand out, in modern society? How are we going to ensure the critical public that He is not using special effects? That He is not an illusionist? That He is not a faith healer? That Gabriel is not the personification of repressed homosexuality?
And, bolstered with faith and optimism as I am, I believe I can almost hear the whispering voice of the holy ghost, as he unveils his solution, with nervous trepidation.
“Well, I might have something. It is a system of winches and pulleys. And mirrors. And there’s a trap door, too. I’m cautious…but it might just work.”
And I can only hope that the remaining two-thirds of the Trinity are smiling, as hope drifts back in to the frame.
** Bugger. Just fatwa’d meself. Along with the thinwa, it is going to bugger up my hopes for a peaceful 2010.
