As Björn Ulvaeus never tires of telling us, the Large Hadron Collider is the world’s largest and highest-energy particle accelerator, built to collide opposing particle beams of either protons at an energy of 7 trillion electronvolts per particle, or lead nuclei at an energy of 574 TeV per nucleus. It is hoped (claims Björn) that the collider will address the most fundamental questions of physics, advancing our understanding of the deepest laws of nature.
Physicists (and the composer of such timeless greats as Dancing Queen, Does Your Mother Know, Waterloo, Mama Mia and Voulez Vous) hope that the Hadron Collider will help answer many of the most fundamental questions in physics, dealing with the basic laws governing the interactions and forces among the elementary objects; the deep structure of space and time; and the intersection of quantum mechanics and general relativity. Currently, in these areas, theories and knowledge are unclear or break down altogether – something that Björn Ulvaeus describes as “unacceptable”.
While the experiment is far-reaching and grounded in unparalleled scientific expertise (Stephen Hawking has called the collider “very impressive”; Mrs Rous, my science teacher from school, has acclaimed it as “bigger than anything you can do with a Bunsen burner”; and Björn Ulvaeus has hailed it “a wonder of human ingenuity, a bit like a rag (sic)”) there is theoretical anxiety about the far-reaching consequences of toying with the very fabric of physics. Questions about a rend in the space-time continuum have abounded, as well as the fear of a black hole being created in the collider itself. It would be conceivable for such a black hole to contain a nuclear mass great enough to swallow up not only the collider itself, but the antiquarian hat shop just around the corner.
The Large Hadron Collider has been well publicised. It is the public side of a multi-faceted experiment.
What is not so well known is the sister experiment, known in inner circles as the “Sayer-May Collider”. This vast tunnel, built very much on the scale of the Hadron Collider, has been engineered with the express purpose of accelerating Leo Sayer and Brian May to speeds almost equalling the speed of light, with a view to colliding them head on.
Unlike the Large Hadron Collider, which has been designed to answer specific questions, the Sayer-May Collider has no questions underpinning its development. The consensus is that researchers want to collide Sayer and May ”just for the hell of it”, to “see what happens”. As Björn Ulvaeus puts it, “having engineered the Large Hadron Collider, everyone wanted to use the technology that had been developed, to collide Brian and Leo. It just seemed like the natural next step”.
And what a natural next step! Science has no models for hypothesising what will happen to these two formidible musicians. The process of bringing them to near light speed will take several months. Just as would be the case to bring an Austin Maxi up to its top speed, the Sayer-May Collider will rely on momentum to create the super high speeds necessary to bring the experiment to its conclusion. It is expected that both men will be subject to tremendous G-forces. As a precaution, they have been advised not to wear hats, the likelihood being that these would blow off.
For many scientists, the Sayer-May Collider, while a more covert project, has the greater potential for expanding scientific research. A genetic researcher who lives down my road, and spends his days growing human ears out of the arse of a mouse, has called the Sayer-May Collider “perhaps the biggest scientific project of our time”. His belief is that Sayer and May will be liquified on impact and reduced to their atomic constituents. However, an opposing school of thought believes that the impact will be absorbed by the atomic fusion of their hair. Sayer and May themselves have admitted they have “no idea” what will be the outcome, but are both very much looking forward to finding out.
What we can be sure of is that the Sayer-May collider is going to echo with music, as the two subjects are sent whizzing round at break-neck speeds. A composite of titanium, steel and sellotape, the Sayer-May Collider boasts unique acoustics. It is believed that on belting out their tunes, both Sayer and May will lap their own words several times, before the lyrics fade. As for the songs that they have chosen, Leo Sayer has said that he would like to have a stab at “Thunder in My Heart”. Brian May, in tribute to his wife, has hinted that he may sing “Anyone Can Fall in Love” to the tune of Eastenders.
Björn Ulvaeus is not kidding when he excitedly proclaims that “this is going to be something remember – not too dissimilar to a rag (sic)!”.